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Funny Girls

Captain Grief: Whoa Kel. You look like the effing getaway car ran over your face.

Kelly: And it looks like your effing tact hasn’t improved. 

Captain Grief: That’s got nothing to do with MY appearance.

Kelly: Sure does, you reek of eau de jerk.

Captain Grief: Still not MY appearance. 

Kelly: I’ll get to that. I think I had more fun last night than you did! 

Captain Grief: How would you know?

Kelly: Because you have Kleenex fuzz all over your jumpsuit and there was the flyby you did by my house at 8 o’clock sobbing like a two year old. 

Captain Grief: Oh that.

Kelly: Yes, that. I always know when crank flyby me. 

Captain Grief: Oh, that wasn’t a prank. My cape got caught on a telephone wire, and it wrapped me around a pole like Wonder Woman’s lasso of truth tightens around a fibber.

Kelly: Doesn’t that happen like every other Tuesday? You don’t watch where you’re going sometimes.

Captain Grief: Yeah but the  pigeons were laughing at me!

Kelly: I think it’s unrealistic to think that pigeons either laugh or care about the yellow and blue asteroid hurling towards them, they just get the hell out of the way. 

Captain Grief: Well they were looking at me funny before they flew away.

Kelly: Of course they were, I would, too!

Captain Grief: Fine tell me about your tale of woe.

Kelly: Not woe, joy! Erin and I were laughing so hard I was afraid we would wake the kids up. We were up till 2am watching Garfunkel and Oates on Netflix.

Captain Grief: Garfunkel and who? 

Kelly: They are two women from a comedy act performing the fucking awesome songs they write! You have not lived until you’ve watched them. They have a song about one of the women’s failed bisexual fling in college. They are so fucking straight it’s funny.

Captain Grief: Rolling out the F bombs I see?

Kelly: Oh our f-bombs are nothing compared to them. Can we say vagina on this blog? 

Captain Grief: (looks at me blankly and snorts). I love funny girls! 

Kelly: Yep tell Barbra Streisand a joke doesn’t always have to be on her. It can be on us today!! 

Captain Grief: I see you have something in mind for this weeks post?

Kelly: Well, you know our adage of we always have the choice to laugh

Captain Grief: Like it’s seared into my cranium!

Kelly: Well we also have a choice to turn on the boob tube and search for women that make us laugh our asses off! If I had to add up all of the hours of my life I spent laughing at funny girls I’m sure that number would be impressive.

Captain Grief: Totally! Who are your faves?

Kelly: Oh Tina Fey for sure! Kara and I listened to her book Bossypants on audio. It was actually my inspiration to write about The Bullshit Button! 

Captain: Have we posted that here? 

Kelly: Not in a blog!

Captain Grief: Drop it! 

Captain Grief: Ahhhh the one about climbing up a ladder is my favourite too. Subtle humour but still bullshit. 

Kelly: Yup that’s grief on a good day! Oh that reminds me, did I tell you the analogy my mom has for grief?

Captain Grief: Tell me again. I have the long term memory of a gnat. 

Kelly: (un-phased ) OK so grief is like wading through a puddle of shit.

Captain Grief: Preach! 

Kelly: You wade though and the level of shit is at your mouth. One day however you realize the level is down to your navel. Things get better, but it’s still shit! 

Captain Grief: Amazing! Wanna know my favourite female comic? (Kelly nods). Wanda Sykes

Kelly: Yes, she is fantastic! I even love when she does voiceovers for kids movies. She may not be using foul language, but you can just hear the irritation in her voice!! 

Captain Grief: Totally! Who else? 

Kelly: Well Kathrine Heigl and Malin Ackerman in 27 Dresses hit it out of the park! 

Captain Grief: I always liked Anna Faris! She was hilarious in What’s Your Number with Captain America. 

Kelly: Chris Evans?

Captain Grief: That’s just his stage name. 

Kelly: Right…I’m just gonna give you that one.

Captain Grief: Who’s next?

Kelly: Well the SNL ladies are first rate. The string of bad ass, funny girl movies they’ve done are classic. Amy Poehier, Molly Shannon, Maya Rudolph, and the Ghost Buster reboot girls Kristen Wiig, Melissa McCarthy, Leslie Jones and my total crush Kate McKinnon who plays for our team! 

Captain Grief: You totally tweeked when she said “forgot my new toy” licked the gun, said “lezz go!” Then kicked non-caporal  ass! 

Kelly: And you didn’t? 

Captain Grief: That’s besides the point! 

Kelly: Humm  well let’s watch it and see! Wait for it, the glory of “Jillian Holtzmann” is the conclusion of this rad clip! 

Kelly: (as Captain Grief sputters) That’s what I thought! “You’ve just been Holtzmanned baby!” 

Captain Grief: Don’t I wish! I wonder if she dates superheroes? 

Kelly: Too much drama.

Captain Grief: She’s a lesbian she’s used to it.

Kelly: True that. So I just thought of more funny girls! 

Captain Grief: Who?

Kelly: Us!

Captain Grief: Wouldn’t that just be congratulating ourselves? Kind of conceited! 

Kelly: Oh, right not like you run in the self importance marathon! 

Captain Grief: Can I help it if I’m a star?!

Kelly: Exactly. Well, then, if we are going to congratulate ourselves for this, I’m gonna congratulate myself again.

Captain Grief: Why? What did you do? 

Kelly: Actually it’s an “us.” You were off on hiatus for a while a lot of stuff happened. 

Captain Grief: Are we blaming you or are we blaming me? (looks at Kelly pointedly).

Kelly: Six of one half a dozen of another. After Mike Holmes fixed my house and a contractor went to work on the abandoned wreck attached to it, the rest of the house fell apart. 

Captain Grief: Isn’t that a little overdramatic?

Kelly: When they started I had a basement door connected to the adjoining wall. It fell out of the wall. And once we left, he discovered five cracked joists.

Captain Grief: Shit

Kelly: Bingo. So my friend, Erin, who I watched Garfunkel and Oates with and I bought a house together and she became a single mother by choice. It was such an awesome journey we did two seasons of a podcast about it called Fashioning Families. We have always been fantastic at banter! 

Captain Grief: Geeze I go on one 10-year-long tropical vacation and I miss things! 

Kelly: Not to worry, here is the episode guide. You can listen to it in transit when you fly. Just watch out for telephone poles and laughing birds!

Season One: Fashioning Families 

Season Two Has arrived!

Captain Grief: You’re a jerk. 

Kelly: And I owe it all to you!

Captain Grief: Fair. 

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