There is a specific kind of loss for me in the fall, an especially heavy kind weighted with longing. For those who knew Kara and I this is the time of year that Kara passed the incubation period of blastomycosis (the toxic mould that killed her) and began her slow decline. By Halloween she was so sick she could not take our son Trick ’or Treating. He dressed as a lion that year and it was the last time my good friend Jen Watson, Ben’s godmother, got to see Kara.
Today my son is traveling to Toronto Island on a class trip, the place Kara loved and worked. She was an Operator at the Toronto Island Water Plant, making Toronto’s drinking water potable. Today a birch tree stands there in her honour and I am hoping to go and see it soon! However, it’s not just Kara. I have coined the stretch of time between mid-October and January 18th the Gauntlet of Loss and for good reason.
My father passed away on November 18, 1997. It’s been 25 years since then. That was also my Grandads birthday. On November 11, 2023 it will be 11 years since Kara passed away. My mother’s birthday is November 23. Then of course December smacks me in the face and on January 17th which is my father’s birthday. With no grandparents left on my side of the family it makes me so glad that Kara and I had Ben and that my sister had a son and daughter. We are the torch holders.
It is hard to look at the photos of my son’s second Halloween, knowing what things were happening in the photo and what lay behind the picture. I would rather experience gratitude. This is a picture of the first Thanksgiving at our new house where Jen and McKell (Ben’s godfather) joined us. I remember collecting leaves with Ben for the centre piece, the candles and James Taylor on the stereo. I remember getting up early and dressing the turkey in bacon and sage and letting the aroma fill our new home. I remember Jen brought succotash in her family’s tradition and I remember the lovey post dinner walk we had through the neighbourhood, looking at the turning leaves and the other small houses in our subdivision.
This is all to say that it does not matter how many days, weeks, months or years it has been since someone you love died. They will always be gone even as the dates fly by. Distance dulls pain and time moves on but dates like this really make you turn around and look back. You will always feel the loss of your loved one, but you will also remember their life and no matter how you feel I bet they are hoping that you take a breath, carve the pumpkins, pin on the poppy and hang the stockings remembering that joy is a conscious decision. I try to find it to celebrate what had been done in the past at the same time as celebrating what is being done in the present. The gift is love and love is how you grieve someone who cannot be with you.
Beautiful words and wonderful pictures!! 😘😘
On Thu, Oct 19, 2023 at 11:47 AM The High-Flying Adventures of Capta